Avengers DnD
by FrostheartPhoenix
Summary: Just a little fun thinking what it would be like if some of the Avengers (plus Loki) ever sat down for a game of Dungeons and Dragons.


Ok. I don't own anything to do with anything Marvel or Dungeons and Dragons this was simply something to pass the time.

This has no Beta reader any and all mistakes are mine. If people seem to enjoy this it may be added to or expanded.

This strange little thing came to life one day while talking with a bunch of friends about many geeky things that spawned the strange idea of what the Avengers (and Loki) might get up to if they ever played a game of Dungeons and Dragons. Not really comic or movie compliant but just all in a bit of fun.

"But friend Stark," Thor begins with confusion " if I am indeed directly in front of my enemy as you say then it would be impossible for my attack to miss a creature so large and slow as you described?" his hand thumps down onto the table making the figures and counters spread across it wobble and dance precariously.

"Sorry Point Break," although it's quite clear that Tony is anything but sorry, "they're the rules."

Clint shrugs "He's got a point there buddy."

"Not only did you roll a one but you rolled two of them! That's critical botch territory Thor! You're lucky Tony didn't have you take Steve's head off!" Bruce grins widely seeming to gain much amusement from the current line of protest.

"Leave my paladin out of this," Steve calls over from somewhere inside the fridge as he rummages for something to snack on. "He's clearly blocked line of sight by being behind the ogre."

"My axe would split that ogre's head where it stands," Thor protests loudly "there is no force within the nine realms that would have made my strike anything but true!"

"Except the critical botch!" Bruce adds helpfully as he contemplates what's left of the box of doughnuts which is also being used as a temporary hill.

"Thor buddy? It's just a game. Shit happens, it's not like you can control the dice." Clint glances to his left where Loki is currently building an intricate pyramid out of the twenty sided dice with little green swirls of his magic. The smirk curling at the edge of his lips indicates that maybe that statement isn't quite true for everyone.

"But sending my axe into a tree? Surely there is some greater deed that could befall my warrior that would sound better in verse and song?" Thor crossed his arms over his chest in a petulant motion.

"He we go again brother? You can't even swallow your pride and full hardiness during a Midguardian children's game." Loki toyed with the dice clearly bored now his pyramids construction was complete, "Stop your complaints so that others with greater skill may go."

"Alright, alright!" Stark ran his hand through his hair as he reached for his bottle of Scotch nestled behind his games master screen, "How about your axe cuts the ogres pinkie toe off? As for you Reindeer games I'm keeping track of how many magic missiles you use this game." He wiggles a note pad suggestively at Loki as he refills his glass.

"It has only been four times so far." Loki snips haughtily as he recalls his magic allowing the floating pyramid to fall to the table scattering dice everywhere. "I find it increasingly trivial that I can only cast such a small amount of spells. I'm a sorceress I should be able to cast any spell I wish as many times as I like without compromise. Leave it to you Midguardians to create rules for things they do not truly understand."

Clint sighed, "Look it's just a game! Games have rules; surely you have games in Asgard?"

Thor nodded "Loki paid little heed to those rules either."

"And you're surprised he won't follow these rules now?" Bruce settled instead on a brownie. He had no idea where they came from but they looked good.

"Good to know Prancer I only had you down for three," Tony took another gulp of his Scotch "Only two more before cranky pants needs a nap to regenerate."

"I am not '_cranky'_ Stark,'" Loki sniffed haughtily "I just see little sense or knowledge in these rules. I've never had trouble throwing fireballs at you in full Asgardian armour... And that's Lady Cranky Pants to you!"

"Why did he play a girl again?" Clint mumbled 'man I hate it when players character gender-bend.'

"I can help with that if that's really the issue?' With a flick of his wrist Loki transformed into a female version of himself scantily clad in a green dress.

Steve nearly drowned his sandwich in mustard he squeezed the bottle so hard and turned slightly red 'Geez oh!'

"Look Loki if this is about your armour save again?" Tony downed a short of his Scotch and immediately poured another to stop him doing something he might regret, like staring straight down Loki's new found cleavage with his overprotective brother sitting right there "It's just game mechanics. Unless you're wearing cloth..."

"I have an untold understanding of seder, I'm one of Yggdrasil's greatest magic wielders and if I wish my sorceress to wear scale armour without penalty then I will make it so. As is the will of any great sorceress." He shot Tony an icy cool glare as he turned his pencil lazily about in his new feminine hand.

"Yeah? Well I say no. The rules say no and since it's my game and I'm god in this world you'll just have to deal with it." Tony downed another shot "Tell you what Prancer? When you run a game then you can do whatever you want"

"Great Tony. Give the god with megalomaniac tendencies control of the realm then we'll see how stupid this gets real fast." Clint moved his Elven ranger just a few paces to the right of an eraser that was a makeshift tree.

With a green flash Loki was back in his normal male form "Once again you humans have created laws for such things that you are yet to understand. It's like listening to your childlike understanding of astrophysics again." Loki dusted imagined lint from his green button down shirt "and my realm would be much better than yours." He mumbled under his breath.

"Talking about things I don't understand," Clint murmured around a large bite of pizza "I still call shenanigans on the last five confirmed criticals you've had. It's completely impossible!"

"It's more improbable than impossible," as Bruce moves his barbarian to stand beside Steve's paladin "the laws of probability say it's possible just highly unlikely to happen but then again your the one who invited Loki, the god of mischief, to play a game that involves rolling dice to decide whether an action happens or not. It was really kind of short sighted of you to think he wasn't going to cheat."

Loki threw his hand into the air in a dismissive gesture "You said it was a game of fate and chance therefore I cannot be held accountable if the Norns hold me in higher favour than the rest of this pathetic band. It is merely their design that I should out perform any lesser creatures I am after all Aladrin!"

"And not a single thing to do with those magic jazz fingers of yours?" Clint raises his eyebrows in mock surprise.

"Ok who let Loki have the advanced races book?" Steve complains as he heads back to the table balancing an extremely large sandwich. "I thought we were only going to have the basic races this game."

"Let Loki?" Thor's thundering laugh cuts through the room dissolving his previous grumpy mood. "Truly friend Steve it is not unknown to you by now that there is no information within all nine realms that can be kept from my brother if he wishes it." Loki's smile right now would put even the Cheshire cat to shame.

"Except the fact he was adopted. Daddy dearest was sure able to hide that one from him." Tony yelps as the glass with Scotch half way to his month freezes and shatters in his hand.

Bruce looks between the startled Tony and the contemptuous Loki and shrugs "Hate to say it but you did kind of deserve that one Tony." He turns his attention back to the pan of brownies sitting across from him. He can't quite put his finger on it but they taste fantastic.

"Although I hold you as a friend Son of Stark it remains still that Loki is my brother," Thor reaches out to clamp a hand on his brothers shoulder "and I will not stand for slurs against him."

Loki looks far from amused by his brothers attempt to defend his honour and mealy shrugs Thor's hand from his shoulder as he mumbles under his breath "First time for everything."

Sensing how quickly this could go down hill, and the small drops of rain hitting the windows, Clint pulls a box of pop tarts from the cupboard and places them down in front of Thor. Who knew that Chocolate fudge frosted snack foods could one day avert an apocalypse? "Tony's big mouth aside I think Cap was up?" He grabs a twenty sided die from behind Tony's GM screen and flicks it to Steve. In theory he could have used any of the many dice already strewn across the table already but Loki seemed to have made a claim to them.

_((FLASHBACK))_

The last time Bruce had used one of Loki's 'chose few' he'd managed to pass on a bluff check to see through some of Loki's characters bullshit about where their last two hundred gold pieces had went. Loki having failed to lie convincingly enough, a true shock to the god of lies and mischief it would seem, didn't take well to the ethos of the game. After explaining in full detail that a half truth should be much easier to except than a complete lie "I no longer carry the gold "verses "I spent it all while your characters weren't looking on tavern wenches and Kobold bards!" He decided that the fault in fact must lie with the die Bruce used.

"Look at it? It's clearly not his die! Its green and gold but earlier it was a die of purple and black he cast!" Loki seethed.

No matter how the argument turned Loki would not settle for the sentiment that it was truly the luck of the roll of the dice that decided the game. "In that case it is the dice who have lain bare my scheme and therefore they will pay!" With a puff of green-gold smoke Loki teleported away in the middle of the game with all of the dice.

"Talk about spoilt younger sibling?" as Tony flounced over to his mini bar.

It had taken three days to track him down and during that time the tower had been the centre of many dice related mishaps. Clint had placed some soup in the microwave only to return to find it changed to a hot bowl of melted plastic with a few remaining dice lumps as croutons.

Steve had taken a shower the next morning and mid way through realised that he had no towels. As he stepped out he put his foot down on a four sided die and like the tiny pyramid of pain it was, one of these to the foot was sure to bring down an unsuspecting person. It was only due to his super serum reflexes that he was able to right himself before he would have fallen head first into a waiting minefield of the little blighters. He was stranded in his bathroom for twenty minutes as he tried to pick them up. They'd been scattered everywhere between the shower and the door but Steve wasn't too upset about the matter. That was until he'd found out that Loki had broadcast the entire event live in time Square. It was a media field day. Fury was not impressed

Bruce and Tony's lab equipment had been used in varying degrees of success to create a Frankenstein's monster of little plastic dice critters. However most spectacular of all was the angry bellow that Stark sent through the building when he opened the cupboard door of his mini bar. Inside he found a small Iron man suit made of coloured dice in a nappy repeating 'why won't you love me daddy?' over and over until Stark smashed it to bits. It took the other Avengers a full forty eight hours to pull him out of the drinking binge it triggered. It was a media field day. Fury was once again not happy.

Even Thor did not escape his brothers' pettiness. Right in the middle of fighting doctor Doom Thor raised his mighty hammer and the heavens opened up ready to rain down fearsome lightning to strike... instead he called down a hail storm of dice! There was no proof but they were about 99% sure that Loki had something to do with the timing of Doom's attack. The media had a field day and by this point Fury was living up to his name.

Bruce didn't see the big deal about Loki's dice related pranks. At the end of the day fair enough it wasn't lightning that rained down from the sky but the dice seemed to do just as good a job against Doom's robots. He took another lager slice of brownie from the tin. He had no idea where they kept coming from but man they were fantastic. He could see why Steve would be a little upset with the giant forties prude streak he had but it's not like he had anything to be ashamed of now thanks to the super serum. Starks daddy issues were larger than his over inflated ego but then again so was Loki's, pot calling kettle? However it was Halkeye's rage over a simple bowl of soup he didn't quite get. Why get as upset about something as trivial as... his teeth crunched down on something in the usually soft brownie so he reached over for a napkin to discreetly check what it was. Turned out it was a twelve sided die. He awoke a few hours later with a headache and Clint sitting next to his bed with an 'I told you so' smirk.

_((END FLASHBACK))_

Much to Loki's disappointed the ogre he'd been chipping away at with his spells was killed by Steve "Maybe next one?" He hit Loki with his most charming smile.

Uh oh Clint thought as Loki crossed his arms over his chest and made a show of checking his finger nails for dirt. Loki was mumbling under his breath as the die left Hawkeye's hand.

"Miss? How could I miss?" Clint yelled after yet another critical botch. Theses seemed to happen a lot more after Loki began to pout. That and the exploding dice phenomenon, still it was better than getting them served as soup!

"Last time your life did garner my attention thoust was Halkeye not Bullseye" Loki was still pouting over Starks adopted comment.

For the third time this game Bruce realised that his barbarian was no longer in contact with the ogre he last attacked, not that Stark would ever realise now he was in morning for his favourite Scotch glass. Now that the pout was finally removed from Loki's face it wouldn't take S.H.I.E.L.D to figure out the culprit.

"It's bad enough we've kill the same ogres four times now because someone can't keep track" Bruce shuffled his figure back beside Steve's paladin as he rolled his eyes at Stark "and I've made this charge twice already without you trying to make me do it again Loki. You know what? Your brother was right you really are annoying."

"Am I annoying you Banner?" Loki crowed with a shit eating grin "What's wrong? Won't I like you when you're angry?" He smirked.

There was a sharp intake of breath as Bruce held his eyes locked with Loki's "Well Starks floors didn't enjoy it last time."

That got Starks attention "Hey leave my floors out of this!"

"Brownie Banner?" Clint slides the plate of moist warm tastiness in front of him. Exactly how many of these guys tempers could be diverted with chocolate or alcohol was slightly disturbing to Clint yet he was glad for the simple distraction. Funny thing was he couldn't quite remember how the brownies came to be on the table in the first place.

The run in with the ogres went well, even Loki managed to blast the last couple of hit points off of the final ogre and claim the kill as his own much to Thor's dismay leading to much pouting by the blonde god of thunder and long discussions of the merit of the battle verses the glory of the final blow. This argument was summed up pretty quickly, Thanos, The Serpent, the chimera and the Kobold chieftain apparently all were deserving of the same level of glory as the last however it was decided as a whole that at least two of those victories should never be compared to the Kobold chieftain.

After much huffing, pouting and veiled threats of violence from Loki the guys decided it was best to set up camp and allow Loki to regenerate his spells. It was less hassle than the repercussions of the godly sized hissy fit if they didn't.

Even with rest the next encounter started well but whether it was Tony's revenge for his shattered Scotch glass or simply a challenge rating miscalculation, the black dragon that had appeared did not take too kindly to Loki's sorceress. Within two rounds of combat Loki's character was on the floor critically wounded when Steve announced to Stark "Right that does it Tony! I'm laying hands on Loki!"

"About time Capcicle!" Stark took a deep swallow from his bottle of Scotch. Since the destruction of his last glass he hadn't bothered to replace it. "Not just going to leave him to bleed a little?"

Thor slammed both hands hard onto the games table crumbling it under the force of his blow as he stood to face Steve pulling him up stiffly by the collar of his t-shirt " What is the meaning of this friend Steve I have warned you all countless times that I will not tolerate acts of aggression towards my Brother!"

Steve looked baffled as the room became silent once more "Acts of aggression? I was only going to heal his sorceress. The spells called lay on hands Thor it would stop Loki from bleeding out and dyeing on his next turn."

"Oaf!" Loki rolled his eyes as he moved to stand by Thor one hand on his bicep the other working gently to remove Thor's fingers from the captains t-shirt.

"Quiet down Fabio no one's threatening Prancer" Stark sighed dramatically and pushed the scattered remains of dice and character sheets around with the toe of his trainer. "Never thought I'd have to consider inventing a table to stand up to godly hissy fits but it's a challenge I can rise too." He pushed himself out of his chair and headed towards his mini bar "Give me a hand here Clint."

Thor looked between his brother and Steve "Is thus true friend Steve? You were trying to help Loki's sorceress?"

"Of course Thor what sort of meat head do you take me for? Do you really think I'd strike your brother, no matter how annoying he is over a game?" Steve protested but before Thor could answer there was a light cough and a rulebook was slipped into Thor's hand by Loki.

"It's quite an easy spell to read about dear brother but then why am I surprised that you've read nothing of the adventure we are on. It's not like you have a history of foresight to read about what you'll be undertaking." He slid back into his chair and with a wave of his hand the game and table was rest to how it was before Thor's outburst. "Now sit down oaf and let the good Captain lay his hands upon me. I have an exquisite spell I wish to try next" He smirked "and to do so I wish NOT for my character to be dead."

"Geeze Loki did you have to make it sound so libidinous?" Bruce was pleased to see that when righting the table Loki also stopped the current brownie crisis of having them all over the floor. "That's an image I won't be able to shift for days!"

"What did we miss?" Stark and Clint stumbled back into the room with another folding table "who fixed the table?" At Loki's smirk they abandoned the table at the other side of the room and went to retake their seats.

"I knew we kept him around for a reason." Stark poured himself another drink from the now full bottle of Scotch and mended glass standing behind his GM screen again.

"I think we should call it a night Tony," Steve tried to pull his t shirts collar back into shape "at least until Thor has become better acquainted with the magic section."

Clint looked around the table. Bruce seemed to have a small supply of brownies on hand, Stark was currently amused with his freshly refilled bottle of Scotch and Thor had sat back down next to his brother intently reading the magic section and Loki... oh boy Loki didn't look too pleased. "Er Cap? Maybe we should at least get this fight over and back to town?" _Come on! I know you're like ninety but you couldn't have forgotten what happened last time. _

"Indeed captain..." Loki's satisfied grin was slowly draining away to be replaced with a look of contemptuous malice "if I recall you were moments from placing your hands upon my person, allowing me to dispatch our final foe momentarily. However if you wish to postpone my victory to another day, well why would that concern me in the slightest? I have plenty more pressing matters than that of a Midguardian's children's game."

"Actually I was in college when I first played it" Bruce was weighing up the delicate choice of having another slice of brownie over a doughnut. "And for someone who doesn't care about 'a silly Midguardian children's game ' I remember your miss use of Thor's Avengers Assemble card last month."

Loki's look of pure innocence was fooling no one.

_((FLASHBACK))_

They'd been caught in the middle of a game just before Loki's turn by an untimely Hydra attack. By the skills of their latest goons it looked like Taskmaster's academy for henchmen had another graduation. Still they'd managed to get the situation under control with little damage to the city but by the time they'd got back to the tower no one had been in the mood to continue play except Loki. No surprises there, so it was rearranged for another night.

Loki of course didn't take this too well and at four in the morning the Avengers Assemble alert was sent up from Starks' living room. As everyone piled into the living room in varying states of dress, there was Loki sitting at the games table with that nights game set up again. The figures were all set, character sheets were placed out and there was even a bottle of Scotch behind Tony's GM screen.

Stark was rubbing the hangover sleep from his eyes and Clint was looking like a twisted version of cupid in love heart boxers with his bow and arrow. Bruce and Steve stumbled through the door with Thor close behind.

"Ah good now your all assembled," Loki chuckled "I believe that I was about to cast magic missile at the Kobold!"

Everyone just blinked at him as if he'd grown a second head while they tried to digest what he'd just said. Clint was the first one to react. "You? For the? What time is it?" He pointed around at Loki and the game. "You're crazy you know that?"

"Yes! Yes! As you say now sit down," Loki slid a chair out from under the table "I believe you were next followed by the good Captain."

"Loki your saying you sent up the alert just to finish the game?" Steve rubbed the back of his head with annoyance as Natasha rounded the corner in full gear.

"What's the problem?" she glanced around at the guys in various states of dress. "Why aren't you suited up?"

"Exactly how many Avengers did you contact?" Stark grumbled as he headed for the bottle of Scotch on the table. He had a feeling it was going to be needed.

"You mean I could have only alerted the four of you?" Loki had an evil glint "I had no idea I could do that."

After Natasha threatened to stab Loki alphabetically in every organ he had she left for bed again swearing under her breath in Russian.

Somehow, no one was quite sure how, but one by one they all drifted around the games table. Stark for the Scotch, Bruce for the brownies, Steve to lecture on proper use of the Avengers alert, Thor to cuff Loki to the back of the head and Clint to bang his head on the table with frustration.

Over the next hour Avenger after Avenger turned up at the tower to investigate the alert, Pym at least had the sense to call instead of turning up. Last but by no means least Spiderman came swinging by which caused no end of awkwardness.

"Hey guys. Thought you decided against playing DnD?" Peter used his Web shot to pull Clint's' character sheet over to him "Level two ranger huh?"

"Give that back" Clint complained with his head on the table "your webbings gumming the paper up."

"Thought the point of role playing was to be something different? Some guys have no imagination." Peter shrugged and dropped the sheet back in front of Clint who began peeling the remaining webbing off.

Before anyone had a chance to shut him up Loki was answering Peter's question. "There is no more bitter burden than to know oneself less than unique. It seems man of spiders that playing the game was never in doubt merely who was playing."

Peter cocked his head to the side in contemplation "So I'm good enough for you guys to save the world with but not good enough to play DnD with?"

"It's not like that buddy." Stark went to pat Peter on the shoulder "you want a drink? Things always sound better with a drink."

"How about you join our next game?" Steve offered "Thor made a Mage before he decided to change to a warrior you could play that?"

"Thank you Captain I seem to have a wager to collect." Loki thrust his hand out in the direction of Thor who rolled his eyes and handed over three boxes of pop tarts. "I knew you wouldn't succeed as a mage. It takes skill and finesse not just waking something with a great big hammer"

"You know fine well brother that I have no skill for magic," Thor was already morning the loss of his beloved pop tarts "I know not what made me think it would have been any different in this realm?"

"So you'll play with Goldilocks psycho crazy brother? The one who just two years ago tried to take over the world? But not me? I feel my angst coming on" Spiderman left via the window.

"It wasn't Thor's card it's mine." Loki Smirked as a small plastic Avengers Assemble card materialised in his hand.

"Who would have been stupid enough to give you that?" Clint snatched the card off of Loki to compare it with his own. "Only Tony has access to the system." Where Clint had been keeping his card when he was only dressed in his boxers, bow and quiver no one really wanted to ask. It would have been just too much information.

Stark looked like a deer caught in the headlights for a second before jumping up and heading for the mini-bar "This calls for margaritas! Who wants one?"

Steve groaned "You didn't really give him a card did you?"

Stark at least had the good decency to look guilty for half a second "Well it was back when we were dealing with that hot piece of Asgardian ass Amora. I mean what's more effective against magic than more magic? Well apart from Science, technology and a great big helping of Hulk? Then there was that little incident with the Scarlet Witch."

The entire table was sombre until Loki snatched his card back from Clint before he could finish his bite test of authenticity. "Don't drool on it! I rather like the little portrait of me on it and I will not have your mortal liquids defiling it."

_((END FLASHBACK))_


End file.
